


Fade to Gray

by cherrycola



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: M/M, it's some weird mix of fluff and angst, sort of centers around Lukas's mom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-06
Updated: 2016-12-06
Packaged: 2018-09-06 20:38:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8768455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherrycola/pseuds/cherrycola
Summary: Of course, if anyone in the entire world could dredge up memories from Lukas Waldenbeck’s past it would be Philip fucking Shea.
Or the fic where Lukas's memories cause him to realize his true feelings





	

**Author's Note:**

> I just love Lukas Waldenbeck *clenches fist* so much

Lukas was well aware of the fact that when it came to childhood memories, he didn’t really have any worth remembering. After all, his mom died when he was six. Anything before that is just a vast area of mystery with a few flashbulb memories spread about for good measure. Once his mom died, the only things Lukas can remember, he’d rather forget. Childhood traumas are hard enough to live through, let alone relive. With that being said, Lukas’s memories start around the same time he started to get popular. So, technically he isn’t lying to Philip when he says he doesn’t remember his mom. Sure, Lukas remembers that she smelled good or snippets of a family trip to Coney Island or vague pictures of lions at some run-down zoo, but concrete memories? Lukas has none. Of course, if anyone in the entire world could dredge up memories from Lukas Waldenbeck’s past it would be Philip fucking Shea.

Okay, maybe that’s not fair to Philip since technically the memory comes from his nightmares which are the fault of some psychopath, but still, it’s easier to blame Philip. As far as Lukas knew, he’d never had a nightmare before. Logically, he knows that’s a lie. Every single kid has nightmares about monsters hiding in their closet or dentists, but Lukas doesn’t remember ever experiencing terror plagued dreams. It is because that reason that when Lukas experiences his first nightmare after witnessing a triple homicide Lukas doesn’t realize he called out for his mother. In that moment, he’s too terrified, too full of adrenaline to be aware of anything happening around him. In fact, it isn’t until the fourth or fifth night that Lukas hears himself automatically call out to his mother. And that’s when the memories start rolling in. 

For the most part, the memories come in small, almost forgettable waves. Sometimes Lukas will wake up and hear his mother’s voice soothe him back to sleep. Other times, he’ll briefly smell her perfume, that alone will lull him back into a peaceful state. Lukas, for his part, has absolutely no idea what is happening, but he isn’t opposed. He can always fall asleep faster after he’s hit with a memory, usually into a dreamless sleep (even if it’s only for an hour or two). Still, Lukas can’t stop himself from craving more. About a week and half after the cabin murders, Lukas wakes up in the middle of the night sobbing, and he can’t force himself to stop. For once, that dream that woke him wasn’t a reenactment of the murders or watching Philip get his brains blown out. Instead, Lukas dreams that he is five years old again, laying against his mother’s chest as she runs her fingers through his hair and hums some unidentifiable tune into his ear. It is in that moment that Lukas is forced to come to terms with the fact that on top of the terror in his chest about the murder, and the guilt in his heart about Tommy and Tracy, and the overwhelming fear at the mere thought of liking Philip in the way he does, Lukas also has to deal with an all new, heartbreaking pain: he really misses his mom.

Objectively, Lukas knows that he has always missed his mom. It’s just that it’s usually that distant sort of longing, one that he’s never really investigated because he never felt like he had to. Now that everything has been brought to the surface, however, Lukas is left with only the truth: he’s a sad, scared kid who needs his mom now more than ever.

\--

Lukas isn’t really sure what he’s hoping to gain when he calls Philip from the downstairs bedroom of the Torrence/Caldwell household. Philip in his bed less than a minute later was definitely better than any scenario Lukas had made up in his head. Lukas is still pretty shocked that Philip is even acknowledging him after all the crap Lukas has pulled since that night in the Waldenbeck cabin. Lukas doesn’t know what he’s done to deserve a guy like Philip, but it must have been something pretty sweet. Lukas also understands that his main dilemma right now, the fact that he couldn’t remember the killers face if his life depended on it (which incidentally it does), would be solved if he just told Helen that Philip was in the cabin that night too, but if Lukas has learned anything these past couple of days it’s that he needs to take baby steps when it comes to accepting himself for who he is. Very small baby steps, but steps all the same. Still, he’s eternally grateful that Philip doesn’t point out the glaringly obvious solution (it would seem that Philip has also embraced the baby steps idea or Lukas has crushed him to the point where he expects the absolute worst, but Lukas would rather believe the former), and instead allows Lukas some insight on his life pre-Tivoli. Lukas is pretty sure it’s the most information Philip has every told him about his past ever in the admittedly short history of the pair knowing each other. Still, it’s nice to have Philip open up about his past, even if it’s just to make Lukas feel better, and, if Lukas is being honest, especially to make him feel better. Lukas can’t help but curl into Philip the second the smaller boy lays his head on Lukas’s shoulder. Philip is out before he can even respond to what Lukas said. Frankly, Lukas finds it completely adorable and oddly comforting. The reality of having someone else’s heartbeat steady in his ear, soothing him back to sleep is more relaxing than even his most descriptive memory. It’s in that moment that Lukas comes to realize something monumentally important. He’s never going to get his mom back, but that doesn’t make him unworthy of being loved. Laying there, in a strange room on a strange bed with a boy who was done everything he could have possibly done to keep Lukas safe, Lukas thinks he was right when that crazy thought first popped into his mind that night he and Philip went into the city: his mom would have loved Philip Shea, and so does he.


End file.
